Taking the Heat out of an Argument

I found these suggestions in an article by Megan Northrup. The rest of it wasn't particularly helpful. But these ideas are pretty good.

You want to get your point across, but then you want to be able to talk about it. Too often we get our point across but by the time we finish no one is listening.

Here are ways to soften your startup:

• Complain but don't blame. Blaming leads to resentment, defensiveness and hostility. It's okay to say, "The yard is a mess. I'm really upset that it didn't get cleaned up." It's not okay to say, "The yard is a mess and it's all your fault for not cleaning it up when I told you to!"

• Begin statements with "I" instead of "you." "I" statements are generally less critical and contemptuous. They tend to express feelings rather than accusations. Compare: "You are so lazy. Can't you do anything around here." vs. "I would appreciate it if you'd help me around the house more." And "You never listen to me." vs. "I feel like I'm being ignored."

• Describe what is happening rather than judge. Instead of saying, "You never spend time with me anymore," try, "We don't seem to go out as much as we used to."

• Be clear. Don't expect your partner to know what you're thinking. Instead of saying "Can you take the baby for once," try "Please change Timmy's clothes and get his bottle."

• Be polite. Say "please," and "I would appreciate . . . ."

• Don't store up frustrations. Talk about what's on your mind when the issue first comes up. It's hard to start up gently when you've been stewing over an issue and letting yourself grow more and more upset until you're ready to burst.